Wednesday, May 16, 2007

One more entry...

Can someone please tell me why it matters so much what people say? Why is it that things have to be brought up and shared with the general public? Why can't someone give someone a helping hand and let it be? Why must they share their story about it with people? What if I made a mistake?

What if I needed you to help me out of it? Would you? And if you did, would you brag to your friends that I did something wrong and you had to help me? Would you keep it a secret and let me have some pride? Or do you need to be egotistical and brag to the world about your importance? How can someone be so thoughtful and loving, but with a price? And why is it that I need to seek out that approval?

I just bought a new car, do you know what I was thinking? I mean I'm there buying a new car, spending a lot of money. And I wonder the whole time, what is going to be said. What comment is going to be made? What past mistake will be brought up to put a damper on this moment for me? Why can't I just feel worthy of it all? Why do I have to have your approval? I know that I don't need your approval, but then again, I know that I do.

How can I explain, or begin to explain to you how this feels? How do I make you see what you do to me? I can never be as perfect as I know I have to be, I can never do the right thing at the right time and be rewarded with a compliment. I am turmoiled with questions about how this will be perceived and how you'll react to that. It's so hard living in these shoes. I just want to explode with my anger, but you don't deserve it cause you've helped me out. One time I'm going to say something, but I'll remain quiet cause you've done so much for me. One of these times, one of these days, maybe I'll grow up and be stronger than your words. But not today. Today I am still small, and I still need your approval.

1 comment:

Debbi said...

Hmmmm. That's pretty deep. I know what your saying. Just remember you DO deserve that car. You have gone through a lot. Now it's time for YOU. I love you.